RUMSFELD FIRED AS CAREER ADVISOR

After five years of failing to advance his career or formulate a viable retirement strategy, self-described "media exec" Todd Tarpley has dismissed former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld as his personal career advisor, industry sources report. Despite clear signs that his strategy wasn’t working, Rumsfeld had doggedly urged Tarpley to "stay the course": consult for various media companies and hope that a wealthy benefactor would materialize, enabling him to retire early. The plan did not come to fruition, and Tarpley reportedly has taken a staff job as GM Interactive with suspected mob front Doubledown Media, which purports to publish media for high-income niche markets. Tarpley released a statement thanking Rumsfeld for his service, and again appealing to “any wealthy benefactors seeking a noble cause.”