FELINE TERRORIST ATTACKS SPANIEL IN CROWDED APARTMENT; DOG RETALIATES WITH DARING DAYLIGHT CAT FOOD RAID

Escalating attacks between a black-and-white kitten and a 3-year-old black Cocker Spaniel threaten to deteriorate into civil war in the Upper West Side apartment they share. The violence has escalated from initial taunting and retaliatory barking to recent reports of one or both animals marking their territory on various rugs and pieces of furniture, then blaming the other. The violence began three months ago, when the kitten was adopted from a pet store and placed in the home over the protests of 3-year-old Kahlua, who considers the apartment her sacred homeland.

WOMAN SEEKS EXTENSION TO 24-HOUR DAY

A Manhattan woman, unsatisfied with working only 24 hours a day, has launched a plan to extend it indefinitely. Working in tandem with NASA engineers, Jennifer Tarpley, who is a school admissions director as well as a jewelry designer and mother of two, plans to move her family to a supersonic jet that will perpetually travel west. “By crossing time zones every hour, I will be able to lengthen the day indefinitely,” she said. Her husband said he supported his wife’s plan “100%,” adding that her overly ambitious schedule was “perfectly healthy,” and not a source of stress. He urged reporters not to read anything into the fact that he was speaking via courier from a safe house in Argentina.

RETIREMENT OF "WIGGLES" SINGER ELICITS ANGER, DENIAL

Two Manhattan boys, ages 5 and 8, have expressed surprisingly negative reactions to the recent retirement of the lead singer of kids musical act "The Wiggles." "Who cares?!" screamed the 5-year-old, shooing his father from blocking a TV screen. "The robot drone just morphed into an alien cyborg!" The 8-year-old expressed similar sentiments. "Whatever. Did you know that Nintendo DS only uses one screen when playing Game Boy Advance games?" Child psychologists theorize that the anger and denial are expressions of grief. "They really love the Wiggles," agrees their mother. "At least they did three years ago. I just hope they can survive this emotional trauma." Grief counselors were brought in, but were pelted with superhero figures and game cartridges and forced to retreat.

RUMSFELD FIRED AS CAREER ADVISOR

After five years of failing to advance his career or formulate a viable retirement strategy, self-described "media exec" Todd Tarpley has dismissed former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld as his personal career advisor, industry sources report. Despite clear signs that his strategy wasn’t working, Rumsfeld had doggedly urged Tarpley to "stay the course": consult for various media companies and hope that a wealthy benefactor would materialize, enabling him to retire early. The plan did not come to fruition, and Tarpley reportedly has taken a staff job as GM Interactive with suspected mob front Doubledown Media, which purports to publish media for high-income niche markets. Tarpley released a statement thanking Rumsfeld for his service, and again appealing to “any wealthy benefactors seeking a noble cause.”